Monday, May 28, 2012

Silence [five sentence fiction]

[photo credit: Nicobobinus via photo pin cc]
The bus careened crazily around the corner before abruptly stopping and with a hiss opened its doors, allowing the masses to enter from one while exiting from another, all while I watched them, the daily riders.

The up-tight businessmen on their way to their boring little cubicles, conversing about the latest Wall street debacle; the service industry workers heading to or leaving from their endless shifts of food, drinks, orders and surly patrons; the mothers headed to day care or nannies to the park, balancing babies and toddlers and complaining loudly about the crowds, sounds and smells.

The warning bell sounded, the doors closed and the crowd slowly jockeyed for optimum position, preparing to snag an empty seat or readying to exit, heading out to their cookie-cutter day.

Me? I'm the bus driver, thank goodness for the voices in my head, my conversations silence theirs.



18 comments:

  1. Great last line that injected some fresh character into a scene of a mundane society, an imprint of personality :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not heard of Five sentence fiction before - is it your own invention? Clever way fo do Flash fiction.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, it gave me a giggle when I wrote it. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Not me, Liz. Check out Lillie McFerrin's site by clicking on the Five Sentence Fiction logo at the bottom of the post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. As someone who commutes via bus and subway every day I'm not sure I'd want a driver who hears voices in his head. Great description. Very true to form. Do you do your own bit of commuting?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nicely written Donna ... I hope not all of us complain while on a bus ride? lol ... probably do!

    ReplyDelete
  7. That was the scary part to me....snicker.

    I haven't used public transportations since the 60's but I figured it hadn't changed much.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks, Robert. I suspect less do with the advent of MP3 players and smartphones but that wouldn't be any fun to write about, would it. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Very fun...so you careen crazily???

    ReplyDelete
  10. My hubby drives buses and he related to some of this, perhaps not the voices in his head...but he said he may other drivers who have them, lol! Fun piece!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Loved the surprise ending! Didn't see it coming.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Awesome! The last sentence was definitely my favorite, but the other four set a wonderful scene.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Haha! I was waiting for the silence...I watch bus drivers ever since I read DON'T LET THE PIGEON DRIVE THE PUS just in case someone DID let the pigeon in the driver's seat!

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is great Donna! I love observing people and you took me on a bus ride with this one. I love the last sentence!

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Tara ~ Glad I gave you a giggle.

    @liv2write2day ~ But of course! ;-)

    @Lisa ~ Hopefully he saw the humor in this. LOL!

    @kkrafts ~ I wanted to end on a different note, sounds like it worked for you.

    @Youngman ~ I had fun imagining and writing it.

    @Jenna ~ [giggle-snort]

    @norma ~ Glad you enjoyed it!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great structure and pacing!
    I loved the hustle and bustle of the first three sentences... and then the unexpected, one-word fourth sentence, which took me by surprise. The final sentence delivered the punch!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks, Michelle...glad you liked it.

    ReplyDelete

I'm tired of talking to myself. Drop a note, please?